The Non-Binary Thing Confuses You

You understand transitioning, but not this.

You don’t get it. You say to me that you “get” transitioning from female to male or male to female but “the non-binary thing confuses” you. Okay. That stings. But, I think, I’m going to write about this, and you can read it and other people can read it and at least it’s out there.

Why? Because a platform is a platform, however small.

I’m going to tell a story from a few weeks ago.

January 23rd, 2021.

The day before, I receive not-good news. Not-good news is all I seem to receive lately. I get into bed feeling depressed but remind myself that I have tools to try to fight this. I have been to therapy. I have a support system. One thing I can do is make sure I am as comfortable as possible in my current circumstances. I’m living with my parents this lockdown — the UK’s glorious third attempt — but they don’t know I’m non-binary. It’s made me uneasy since returning home. I resolve to tell them the next morning.

I sit down with them. I say:

“So if masculine and feminine, so-called manly and womanly, are two ends of a line or circles in a Venn diagram, I sit somewhere in the middle.”

My dad says, “that’s all I need to know, that’s brilliant” and he means well but I say, actually, there’s more you’ll need to know because what I’ve said is super simplistic. And when I continue, I realise exactly how much there is to cover.

So I talk to them about the difference between biological sex and gender. How my identity is more than what I feel. What the binary is. What dysphoria is. How gender is social. How gender is a spectrum. What pronouns are. What this might mean about the way I present moving forward.

They have questions for me:

• What does it mean?
• When did I first feel this way?
• Do I know anyone else going through the same thing?

Their vocabulary for this kind of stuff is limited. That’s not a criticism. I chat to my mate afterwards and we speak about how our generation and those younger take for granted the base knowledge we have, particularly in the LGBTQIA+ community. My parents are open to learning.

A few days later, Ginny Lemon and Bimini Bon Boulash have a conversation on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK about non-binary identity. Bimini says, “Non-binary isn’t a new thing, it’s just a new term” and my eyes fill with tears because there it is. Exactly. And on the BBC, no less.

More kitchen table conversations with my parents, more questions:

• How can they learn more?
• Am I still gay?
• What is queer?
• How do I feel about the “feckers” who would judge me for painting my nails or wearing a dress?

I feel lucky to have parents like these. I am lucky. My parents are in their 50s and 60s. My mum is a (self-proclaimed lapsed) Irish Catholic. My dad spent half his life on the football field and the other half working on building sites. I hate to stereotype, but if they can get it, why in the world can’t you?

Our conversation raises questions for me, too. I think afterwards, atheists do not call themselves non-Christians or non-Muslims.

If I do not subscribe to (or “believe in”) the binary, then why do I define myself in terms of it?

I’m not about to go down an organised religion rabbit-hole here, don’t worry. I only mention this to say that the binary is so pervasive that it is handy to use it as a point of contrast. The gender binary is encoded in our socialisation — in the toys we are sold, in the songs we are sold, basically in all things we are sold; in our school system; in our religious education (last mention); in almost every nook and cranny of the contemporary human experience.

Now.

Back to you, the person who is “confused” by my identity. Being confused is fine. I’m confused about many things. Mathematics, for example.

But when you claim that you “get the trans thing” but can’t understand non-binary identities, it says to me that you (as liberal as you might claim you are) are only interested in the continuing predominance of

Men™ and Women™ —

You also don’t actually “get the trans thing”, because, to my knowledge, most non-binary identities fall under the trans umbrella. The idea that transgender people must transition from one gender to the “opposite” one is harmful.

[When I got ready to post this draft today, I saw that Bimini had tweeted addressing the above topic.]

[Check out the thread for further discussion, but the TL;DR consensus is that it is non-binary folks exist under the trans umbrella.]

Ask me the questions “are you a man?” or “are you a woman?” and I’d say no to both. I do not feel I fit either of those categories right now. If you have an issue with that, it’s probably because of an assumption about my genitalia. Stop thinking about my dick, you creep. Or maybe you have a problem because I’ve got a beard at the moment.

Presenting androgynously is not a mandate for non-binary folks.

You might note that I said I don’t fit either of those categories “right now” above. That is because, for me personally, I’m still working out my “level of transness” as I termed it to my parents, which probably makes this all a bit messier and less palatable. Please do not take my experience of this as a universal rule. That is not the case for everyone.

Don’t think that non-binary folks are waiting to settle on a place in the binary they prefer. That is not the case. Screw the binary, many would scream.

You’re my problem, status quo fan. (Fans of the band Status Quo are fine.)

I don’t feel like a man or a woman. My gender identity does not match the one I was assigned at birth. What will you do with that information? Implode? Why not just be like, “okay, cool”?

The frustration of people like me is the goal of people like you. You want me to beg you to understand me. You want me to fit in your boxes. You want me to let you actively ignore or undermine the reality of my existence. Even people in my own fucking community.

Queer people do their share of work upholding the status quo. For example, transphobia is still sadly common on the scene. Just in the past year, I heard a so-called ‘trans ally’ deliberately, repeatedly use the wrong pronouns and wrong name for a trans woman for (what I suppose they thought was) comedic effect. I baulked. I corrected them. Their friend apologised and moved the conversation on. But they still thought it was funny.

I won’t beg you for your understanding — you, the apathetic majority.

Writing this little essay might seem like I am, but this is primarily for me and mine; from me, to mine. And I’m sharing it publicly because writing my experiences is one way I can live loudly as a queer, non-binary person.

I am not begging for your understanding, instead, I am saying that I would welcome it. I would welcome you. We would welcome you. We all make mistakes, we all stumble over new words and evolving meanings, and we’re all worried about getting things wrong. I have empathy for you.

Please, let’s be open to learning, accept that new terms for things take some getting used to but can make people feel like they’re finally being seen for the first time, and think nicer thoughts.

Being nice can feel really nice.

If you’ve read this far, I ask that you don’t try to educate yourselves only in the hope of not getting something wrong. That’s not the aim. I hope that you want to welcome and celebrate people in your life who don’t fit into typical boxes.

You’ll be happier for it. Heck, you might even connect with it.

Big up the enbies, baby.